Muhammad Firdaus and me are through this time. Thank you Dear Allah for lending me some courage to overcome this all by myself even though I know I cried a river.

So this is the best. I told him I'd change his name back to Tom, not Dearest Love or even Dearest Friend anymore. But I don't have the heart to do it now. Maybe I'll change it soon. But he'll forever be my ever Dearest Love in my mind and in my heart.

I told him he's my worst mistakes but before that I'd like to return him the things he gave me so I wouldn't hold onto the memories we shared. But to think about it again, he's my very best boyfriend. Why would I? I'd might as well throw my intentions away and keep it as my beautiest memory ever.

Maybe I did swear him just now but on the second thought, he's not that evil. He don't wish to see me get hurt and he don't want to hurt me any further, so this decision we made is for our own good.

Even though I know I've typed this all with gallons of tears in my eyes, never once I regret meeting him. Never once I regret loving him. This is just my worst mistakes for falling in love with him because it's really not easy to let go but for the love of my life, I'll try my very best.

To make him happy, I'd sacrifice even if it kills me. I'll try to act strong even though I know I am genuinely weak. I am happy to know he's happy. I've said my final goodbye. I've said my very last "i love you".

Now friends, help me move on please! =)

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.

I don't wanna sound as pathetic as I have been all these while. I don't wanna ask for more sympathy. Indeed, I hate people's pity. I hope what I'm doing sooner or later is right. I hope I won't regret over it. I hope I can move on. I hope I won't make anymore mistakes, like this. I hope. Not that I can.

But I am doing what's best for him. I think of his feelings more then I do to myself. I don't care if I'm hurt. What matters most is his happiness. He shouldn't live this way. He deserve something better than this. Something better than leading a life with this stupid and unappreciative woman.

And in order for him to achieve something better is for me to let go. He'll definitely find true happiness someday without me. Although I know I am weak without him, in this period of time, he taught me to be strong when he wasn't there physically, mentally and verbally.

But I prefer being weak with him rather then being strong without him.

Dear Allah, please give me the courage to tell him what's left in my heart. This might hurt him but it's killing me. And please give me more courage to face this reality. Alone.

But I've never wish this to happen..Never.

I received a message from my schoolmate which says, "It's official that week 11 is now online study from home, and common test rescheduled to week 12. DO NOT come to school next week. School has sent out emails to your school email address. Pls inform your classmates to refer these emails for more detailed info."

So I was imagining my classmates to celebrate their BBQ with more joy, cheers and laughter after they receive this message.

And every time my phone greets me with "Dearest love, I hope this message finds you well.." song by Alesana, I put hopes on Muhammad Firdaus, wishing it was from him. Come back fasterfasterfasterfaster please!

Do you love living your life full of hateful?

It's 7.30am now. I've had my prayers and I couldn't go back to sleep. Because I've had a very bad dream about Muhammad Firdaus whose wanting our old life back as one only after he knew that another guy is after me. And he offered me cigarettes too.

So the vice versa in real life is he will never want to be with me again. And of course he would never offer me cigarettes but I'm the one who will be offering myself cigarettes.

And I still love him as much as I did all these while.

Some of you starts getting on my nerve already. Really.

Enough of feeling down. Class pit later. Thank you for the money Muhammad Firdaus. Thank you for letting me have some fun.

For Nanyang Polytechnic students, click picture to get to the link. I got this from Anterine just yesterday.



But they will not extend our holidays aren't they?

Is this going to be alright?

Quite a number of you left my blog via mixpod.com. Want the title of the song so much? Here's something I could help. It's Fuck You by Lily Allen and it's dedicated to one of my bestfriend. =) Boy, you know who you are.

And the man below, I miss him.



Tergoda aku 'tuk berfikir dia yang tercinta
Mengapa telah lama tak nampak dirimu disini
Jangankan inginku tersenyum, tak ada ghairah
Kuingin selalu bersamamu

Kini ku resah
Diriku lemah tanpamu

Gapai semua jemariku, rangkul aku dalam bahagiamu
Ku ingin bersama berdua, selamanya
Jika kubuka mata ini, kuingin selalu ada dirimu
Dalam kelemahan hati ini, bersamamu aku tegar

-Tegar, Rossa

Another day, another night..

Pardon my previous post. It's nothing. Just that I feel the pinch, only that.
And maybe he wishes to see me this way then, let him be. Let me be.

I'll hold onto these moments.

I am scared. My heart felt heavy. I am feeling so terrible. I almost killed myself in an accident earlier. I don't wanna go out until I felt better.

Baby, you were the weapon I choose.

I tried smiling sincerely. I tried being happy. But nothing seems to work out. All I ever need is Muhammad Firdaus.


I agreed to let him have his time on his own. But he does not know how terrible I feel each day. This is just it. What's more if we went on our seperate ways? I never want that to happen.

Common test is coming soon and I am not prepared. I cannot even prepare myself for it when all I worry is us.

I end my every nights with hurtful eyes. When will this end? I want to be happy again. With you.

Just give me a chance to prove to you tonight.

I really tried my best, but I failed yet again. I really cannot end my day without sms-ing him to just let him know that I've always have him in my mind and in my heart.

I was at ECP BK just now with sister and I heard "You'll be safe here" over their radio. Tell me how can I not breakdown?

As much as I don't want Mama to know anything about this, she already know. I don't know how but yes, she knew. She even told me she dreamt of me asking my sister to buy a box of chocolate and pass it over to Muhammad Firdaus. Which yes, I did just that and it happens before Mama told me she dreamt of it. I really cannot hide anything from my Mama.

"Don't regret over it. It happens for a reason. At least this happened cause if it don't, you'll never learn anything from your mistake."

All of my friends ask me to be strong and that they know and understand how I feel. But they don't feel what I feel. Thank you all but I'm sorry, I am not strong.

But I will wait just to have him by my side. I will wait for Muhammad Firdaus, even if it kills me. Cause I believe in love. I believe that our love is true.

Please break the silence soon.

I didn't realise I got home with teary eyes last night. Mama noticed me and ask if I cried. I told her the lamest answer ever, "the weather is very hot".

I know, I've been sharing with her about my life stories but I don't wish to this time. She's ill. And I don't want her to worry for me. For both me and Muhammad Firdaus.

I forced Mama to the clinic as she's been ill for 3 days already. After countless times I asked her to, she finally agree last night.

And now's my turn to fall sick. I got a break from school.

Today's our day. I love Muhammad Firdaus wholely.

I gotta make my mark, I gotta run it hard.

I am very weak now.

I am trying my very best to stay far away from my phone. I want to respect Muhammad Firdaus decision so much. I don't want to hurt him more. I am going to wait until he comes back to me.

I don't know how I look like to school today. Some say I look very pale. Some say I just got up from bed. Some ask me if I'm sick. Some ask me why am I so emo. Some ask me not to be sad. Some ask me not to cry. Some offer me a hug but sadly, I rejected. Some really wants to know why am I like this. Some even tears up with me without knowing my problems.

Anterine offered me Ribena to cheer up and even do up some jokes. She's the one whom I can share with and she gave me the bestest advice. She says every positive thing about why Muhammad Firdaus did this.

One of the point she gave that shot up my brain is, "You must be thankful that no matter how much you want him to come back, he will one day. Unlike me, no matter how long I got to wait for my dad to come back, he will never do."

She even say that Muhammad Firdaus still wants me, just that he need to be alone for sometime to make things right and who knows he's doing this for the best of both of us.

Still I regret for every bad things that happened. Then she said, everything happens for a reason. In every relationship, couples are sure to fight. It is good to fight. If they don't fight, they don't love. And she told me of her friend who always fight and in the end, they learn their mistakes from that fight and love each other more.

Now I've learned my mistakes. Muhammad Firdaus, please keep loving me the way I love you loving me.

Baby, you are the only weapon I choose.

I've made the worst mistakes of all.

I understand that it's totally hard for him to forgive me.
But he still forgives me.

I understand that he needs time to cure his pain. I understand why he reacted this way. His family was the most precious thing ever, I couldn't possibly say that of them.

In fact, I don't know why I said to him like that. I'm just the useless, arrogant, not caring girl he had ever known.

I know, even if he read this post, it won't help him cure his pain. But I miss him too much. I've no idea on what to do next. What I know is I only want him.

I've created another mess. The biggest mess, indeed. I deserve what he's doing to me now. But I can't help my feelings.

I got a dream last night even if I cannot sleep well. I dreamt that we talked it all out then both our heart felt lighter. And I even managed to hug him so tight and kissed him on his lips for the very first time.

I let him have his time on his own for a while which I don't believe I just did that when actually I want to be by his side and get through the pain days, together. I did this because I love him so true. I am respecting his decision.

I am trying to respect his decision. I am wholly sorry if I failed.

As much as I never wish to share it here, I did and I don't know if what I do is right. By any chance I am hoping for him to read this. I am hoping miracle could happen for better days for both of us. I am hoping he could give me one more chance to make things right. I am hoping he would come back to me without being force.

I miss those happy days I had with him. I am blaming myself for all that happened.

I love you. I miss you. Only you, Muhammad Firdaus Bin Jambari.

I blew things out of proportion.

Baby, cause you're the best I got.

It's 3:16am now and I got the sudden urge to blog. Haven't been updating well ever since I'm down with fever. Finally I got a day off from school last Tuesday not because I am sick but the doctor demand me to rest at home.

I got back to school the day after and here I am with pictures to share.

Willie's Birthday! With the June babies.


Ok this, I remember handing over my camera to Anterine and handsign-ing her to take pictures of our classmates doing their presentation but she got this instead and gets excited over it.


Tell me how can Diana and I not get anymore crazier? Blame Anterine! For making us crazy like her.

And Friday, Noh's Birthday! Dah tua! Dah tua! Dah tua! Dah tua! Dah tua!


And that's how I end my Friday.












That man above, I miss him wholely.

Suara, dengarkanlah aku.
Apakah aku selalu di hatinya?
Aku di sini menunggunya.
Masih berharap di dalam hatinya.

My heart beat, beats me senselessly.

It has been a hectic week and that explains my reasons to not update my blog.

Last week I was down with fever since Sunday which I forced myself to school just to hand in my delayed assignments on Monday and sat for Maths quiz on Tuesday. Which as for Wednesday I still feel week but I did drag myself to attend lab session.



And I got home by 7pm most of the days just to stayback for our Communication Skills 2 presentation. And to update my Microprocessor Project too.



So by Friday, we did the presentation our very best then it's over, once again.











Ok let's continue.

I got home at 6pm on Friday afterwhich I do some packings for Farewell Camp so by 7.30pm I went out again to get rations at Sheng Siong Bedok with Nabilah and reached CCSS by 10pm.

I was in there from Friday to Sunday where I waste all my hard work energy.

And Sunday too I got to study for my CA right after I got home.

And today's Monday, I went to school with sucha heavy head. I could hardly even talk to my friends. I planned to not go to school because I wasn't feeling that well but because I got to do my CA today, again I forced myself.

Tell me how can I not have good mood, be loud and energetic as I have been all these while?

Muhammad Firdaus is down with fever too and he's back to camp now, still sick. Our life has been sucha pain these days, you realise?

If only I could grant myself a wish..